Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.
CODEOWNERSconfiguration file for GitHub automation (see GitHub documentation). You could also develop tooling to automatically ping appropriate reviewers for each patch based on reviewers' commit history touching those files, but be cautious, as errors with this can lead to notification fatigue and reviewers feeling nagged.